he smiles at this, warmlike. scratchin at his sideburn says, “that’s understood¸

          puttin my hands on my lap to stop em fidgin

          “I’m nothing to do with this place, alison. your solicitor, ged, asked me to come and do a report for the hearing next week¸ – watch his throat, like a bobbin apple bove his tie done up bad like a schoolboy’s – “I don’t work for anybody but myself and what I think I’ll put down regardless of what anyone else says or thinks¸

          make myself look at the doctor. “ged says – he says he’s gonna get the court to let me see lucy –¸

          my hand too heavy to move stop lucy itch-itch-itchin herself, nails pickin into her head. my eyelids too heavy to look shuttin so I don’t see her greasy hair bunchin up, little trickles of blood. only shelly’s little, sleepin breathin hot gainst my skin, tiny, tucked up, clingin into my side

          “lucy’s your child?¸

          “they’re with my aunt – I mean, I mean¸ – wipe my mouth – “I mean it’s so nice for lucy to be with my aunt in scotland –¸

          he’s glancin at papers on the desk. “your aunt’s looking after –?¸

          “cause¸ – my mouth loud – “when I was little I used to love stayin with aunty –¸

          “were they good, those times with your aunty?¸

          the varnish on the desk with that headache light smackin against it, and aunty stuffin parsley into pig-insides an goin yum-yum-yum haggis is made from brains, at dinin table makin a face that she’s eatin brain till I squeal – an on the spot want to get out the doctor’s room, like needin a pee only I don’t need pee need to get out room right then

          “are you in touch with your aunt often? – how’s your daughter finding it? – when did you last hear from her?¸

          the hairs in my nose singein – it’s nosebleed burn but worse, my eyelashes alight and lucy screamin

          an I am shoutin fuck off at the doctor, leave me alone, and he lowers his head. passes a tissue

          he’s not shoutin at me for swearin, not sayin right all your leaves off-ward are cancelled you hear

          with my hands goin bad, blow my nose, stare into the tissue

          he’s scribblin on his paper

          my breathin an the scratch-scratch of his pen

          “– please, please don’t put down me shoutin at you – please don’t put it down, they’ll never let me see, they’ll never let me if you do, I’m sorry doctor I’m sorry, I won’t do it again I’m so sorry doctor –¸

          he looks up, turns the piece of paper round for me to read only all I can see is scribble, turnin pink I wipe my eyes again

          “can you read?¸

          “it don’t matter anyway¸ I say, and look at the unplugged computer restin in the corner of the room on a little trolley, an wonder if I knew how to work one what I’d be able to do on it